She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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