I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
