I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
