The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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