First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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