then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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