i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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