trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
