at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
