theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
