I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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