Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the liver wants what the liver wants
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
