Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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