I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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