omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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