Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my phone needs a breathalizer
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
