I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i barfeds in our rink
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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