I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
