Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
