oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
