I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
