My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
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I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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