Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
