then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
