At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
