Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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