Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize