Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
