"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i love accidental penises.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
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His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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