dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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