Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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