Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
