just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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