...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
