Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
