I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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