Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
