yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
