new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
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he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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