when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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