i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
