I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
