dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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