i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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