I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
