omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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