New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
