What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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