Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we're making bets on your personal life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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