I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
