He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
