Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
