Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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