I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
