Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
